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I am an addict

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[08 Sep 2013|05:33pm]

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Wish this community was active.........but whatever. [01 Aug 2013|04:02am]

[ mood | depressed ]

I know this probably will not even be read, but what the hell? I am so sick of not being able to quit heroin that I'm almost suicidal.  I do want to live.  I really do, but I'm scared of what I have to face.  I recently found out I have hep C and am terrified I'll die some horrible death.  I cry and cry and want to go get treatment to see if maybe I have a chance at a normal life without this disease.  I really fucked up! I've been using for 12 years and I get it recently after all that time??? WTF? I don't deserve this. I'm not a bad person.  If that weren't bad enough I have an open case and court this coming Monday.  I will not walk in there addicted.  I've been using less and off and on with days full of body aches and withdrawal but i get through it.  I hope to stop asap and stop this once and for all so I'm not in this limbo between clean and not.  I feel like shit every day.  The only time I feel ok is when I nod out at night.  That's it, but I can't even afford to get high as much as I like.  Like, I'm sitting up right now and want to do a bag but it's my last bag and I can't.  I'm worried that the fatigue I've been feeling is due to my disease, but I also don't sleep much at night if at all.  The only thing close to sleep is when I nod out.  I want to scream.  I'm not happy either way so I might as well stop, right?? I might be on probation with drug tests real soon so I've gotta stop. I've got to.  Why does life have to be like this????? I'm so tired but can't sleep. Why? I need help.  FML

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18 year old addict [19 Apr 2013|01:42am]
Im 18 years old and i have been a drug addict since i was 16, ive been off and on though. Whenever i find myself getting clean and doing well again i always seem to find myself falling backwards. I was 12 when i started drinking and its only gotten worse since then, booze is and always will be my favourite drug. Simply because its allowed by my family and friends. By grade 8 i was smoking ciggarettes and pot, grade 9 only got worse. The summer before grade 10 i decided to try exstacy i was young n stupid and my parents found out they were so angry but eventually got over it. I didnt try drugs again till i was in grade 11 (other then smoking pot throughout that time) things got bad really fast. i started to exstacy and mdma and gradually i started using more till i got to the point where i was using it everyday n night, for months. The summer after grade 11 my parents had found out that i was using exstacy and mdma a lot, i was grounded all summer. Once they started to trust me again i quickly got back into it but not as much knowing i had addiction issues. I tryed coke for the first time in the Fall of my grade 12 year i was really fucked up and i ended up sleeping with the guy who was supplying me the drugs simply because he didn't give me a choice. i knew then i had to stop, so i did. i was doing so well after my 17th birthday even still drinking but not touching drugs. until mid spring of my grade 12 year i knew i had an addiction to uppers, so i figured i could use downers. i know how stupid that sounds but i truly did believe it. i chose to start doing herion i loved it, it made me feeling amazing like nothing else. but what i didn't know is how much is costed and how much i was going to need i was addicted the first time i ever snorted it. my intake kept growing to the point of i was spending every pay check trying to get higher and higher. i wasn't sure if i was getting bored of using herion of just wasn't getting high enough so i tried meth a few time. i did this for 2 months spending over $2000 until my parents found out. i knew i was screwed but i knew i need help but i didn't want to stop but i didn't have a choice. i was grounded all summer again but only this time i wasn't allowed to drink either until slowly they trusted me again and i promised i would never use herion (and to this day i have kept this promise). i was doing so good again a few months clean but then i got depressed and my boyfriend dumped me so i took a lot of my moms painkillers enough to kill someone but i didn't die i just got addicted to them, she found out and forced me to stop. after my 18th birthday i went to a regular party like i always do but my old drug dealer was there and he was happy to give me a free tab of exstacy i took it for one i was drunk and two i really wanted it. after that me and my friend started doing exstacy and coke, she promised me that she wouldn't let me get out of hand or she'd tell my parents. we did it a few times and then i decided to stop again. i tried acid and didn't love it to much to focus on and i couldn't enjoy my high. during spring break this year i did another tab or exstacy and tried and new drug ketimine (special K) i loved it. made me feeling amazing i started using it more n more knowing spring break was coming to an end, i had to stop again whether i wanted to or not.

It is not April 19th 2013, i haven't used since spring break until tonight when i got depressed and took more of my moms painkillers and decided to look online for help where i found this site and decided to write my story of my addiction. if anyone's reading this great if not it just really felt good to write all of this down cause i don't have any friends to talk about all this with and obviously cant tell my parents.

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[29 Jan 2013|04:00am]

Hi, Im new to this whole live journal thing but I wanted to see if there were any websites to find support/help/people to talk to going through the same shit. Well anyways

Im Marisa, 16 years old and currently in an outpatient for heroin and pills. I have been 4 months sober and Im not quite sure how I feel about it. Im about to "graduate" from my outpatient in a few weeks and Im scared. I dont want to be on my own. Ive made a lot of progress and gained a lot of success in the past couple of months but I feel I am still living with this "insanity" that drugs clog your mind with.

One part of me wants to stay clean, but the other side doesnt give a shit whatsoever. Im very young and have a lot of growing up to do and I feel as if I havent reached my "bottom" yet. My anxiety has been worse than normal latley and I feel like I have been creating more and more problems in my head. I have been looking for people to reach out too and to talk to witch has led me here.

If anyone would care to talk or could help, send me a message or friend me. This sight is still a bit confusing :p
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Hello Out There [05 Jun 2012|11:18pm]

Hi, I'm a recovering opiate addict/alcoholic. I've been clean and working the program for 16 months and change. I started writing a history of my life, which mostly revolves around my drug problems and relationships. I've made it public, so feel free to read and comment. I have one major, big, long story up so far. Hope to see you on my page....
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[04 Mar 2012|08:01pm]

Hi, I'm Lesya.  I'm a cocaine addict.  I've been in and out of the program for 12 years, and this time around I have a little over three months, but I've been having serious cravings, like I've never had before. I'm so depressed and anxious and scared of getting high.  I talk to my sponsor and go to meetings but I'm not doing enough, and I know it.  My sponsor said she's glad I'm in pain, that maybe it's the only thing that will get me to the place of willingness I need to be.  I just needed to vent.  I know only I can do this; no one can get- or keep- me clean.  Only I can do the work.  And right now I'm not doing enough.  I pray for willingness... I'm just praying for the strength to do the next right thing, if that makes  sense.  I've been to rehab eight times.  I know that all that's left for me is prison or death.  And I'm not willing for those to happen.  I am going to beat this thing.  Whatever it takes.
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An addict in true form. [09 Jan 2012|08:10pm]

I have no faith in this webiste but I need other addicts to talk to, to know if nothin else that Im not alone in this.

I was a heroin addict for three years, addicted to many things before that and now I have 5 or so months clean....Life is just not what everyone promised me it would be when I got sober....

Hard not to go back to being a slave to the needle...

ksejr3@yahoo.com is my yahoo msnger thing....hit me up if you need to talk or anything of that nature.
2 comments|post comment

Cocaine Pills [30 Oct 2011|04:23am]

[ mood | blah ]

Hello i new i addicted to cocaine and prescption pills , i have an ednos eating disorder as well. I met a drug dealer couple months ago we started off occassional drink hear or their then he gave me some xanyz and adderal pills first few times made. Me feeel so relaxed sleepy not all jumPy and full of energy like i hear some people get. It helped with my dePressiin and all bs i deal with life it self whichnis hard! For me. So then nex thing i no were snorting coke all day very day pretty much i barely have apetite havent eaten in days. Not cause i dont want to but cause i just have nO appetite..

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attention creative types with addiction [03 Sep 2011|06:34pm]

'It's good to flex that creative mojo'. this is an exciting ground-breaking arts collective who provide a worldwide platform both online and offline for those with mental health problems , addiction, or who feel like square pegs - to express themselves through art as catharsis & We welcome all those who empathize and support our ethos.


post you work or just comment on other peoples creative things


I work in the writers wing and as an outreach counselor
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[18 May 2010|06:32pm]

I ran away to become a junky. I sleep on the floor and a guys house I barely know. He has sex with me at night, when I don't want him to. I don't say anything though. I just want to disappear.

What does it look like outside of these walls?
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Sex Addiction. [03 Mar 2010|10:16pm]

 I was diagnosed with sex addiction a month ago by a skilled therapist, and though people debate it's existence it is real to me and to members of SAA. My therapist said that a group would not be the best idea considering that I am 18 and female, so I have decided to start an anonymous journal. In my journal I document the time spent coping with my addiction, so that I can better understand myself and hopefully show others the journey and life of a sex addict. Check it out if you have similar problems.
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Im addicted to crystal meth [03 Oct 2009|12:44am]


I'm addicted to crystal meth and I have been for 3 years. I live a difficult life, not only am I an addict but I've been shot and almost killed, I lost my son, my family has no respect for me, I have a mental illness, and I can't get clean no matter what I try, I've lost everything but the roof over my head. I am looking for people on here to please read my journal. It is all me and I hide nothing, so please don't judge. I'm looking for friends who can relate and are going though hard times or are trying to get sober. I don't want any friends looking to score or anything like that. please read my journal and coment on it. you may wan't to begin with the first entry in june or july 09 and read on to newer more recent entries since they all lead up to each other. Thank you to all who read it!

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The Thomas Recipe for Detox [27 Sep 2009|10:32am]

Does anyone have a link to this entire process?
I can only find half of the instructions.
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[01 Jul 2009|05:10am]

so i dont know what you say on here. but i guess i want to be able to talk to ppl who can maybe relate some of the things im goin thru. first off, i got back with my ex who had been on and off the last five years [every breakup seems to crush me more, hes always txtin other girls and stuff behind my back] everybreak up has hurt me more, about 2 yrs into it i thot mayb there was sumthin wrong with me since he constantly went after girls who were skinnier and shorter, so i developed a bad eating disorder. that only made our relationship worse..

neways by the fifth year the eating disorder turned into a heavy drug addiction. the eating disorder helped me feel in control, but the drugs made it where i just didnt care. and plus i hated going thru what i went thru daily with issues with my appearance and the drugs i chose helped me stay skinny..

so back to where i started, i got back with him, slowly laid off the drugs, since now i have a whole new group of friends and hes the only sober thing i know.

i put everything into it, everything was goin fine. then i saw that he had been talking to a nother girl. it broke my heart. for the last time i cannot handle it. my drug addiction is getting out of hand, but im having a hard time staying sober, cuz it means not being around my friends, who are all wonderful, and have been there with me thru thick and thin. my ex and i were broke up almost a full year this last time before i got back with him, but slowing down on drugs means i want to fill that void with sumthin comforting, and he was it.

now im heartbroken, he says he just doesnt want me cuz he wants to date other girls to make sure im the one. im the only girl hes ever slept with , so i can understand that, but i dont know why he didnt think about that before.

now im heartbroken, depressed, and have started using drugs more frequently. i hate being alone, its all that sort of temporarily eases my pain...and keeps my eating disorder from returning.

sorry so long, but thats my story. im 21 im a female if you couldnt tell. and im having a hard time. just looking for new friends to relate to. thanks for reading this if you did, i know its boring, but i had to let it out sumwhere.
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xanax... [29 May 2009|02:00pm]

So I have taken like 6 to 8 peach xanax and a couple of loratab... i dont really feel anything.  What should I be feeling?
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Hmm [28 May 2009|09:15pm]

Well I got a handful of loratab 10's... took three don't really feel anything yet and I haven't taken them in forever.  What kind of high does hydrocodone give you?
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Soma and Loratab... [27 May 2009|10:30pm]

Well I just took a Soma and a Loratab 10... should I feel anything??? 
2 comments|post comment

Valium [27 May 2009|01:38am]

Ok I have took like anywhere from 5-8 valium in an hour.. what should I be feeling?
4 comments|post comment

Nuerontin [17 May 2009|06:19pm]

So... what would Neurontin do to me if I took a couple of the 400mg pills that I get?
3 comments|post comment

tramadol/ultram [13 May 2009|01:09pm]

[ mood | aggravated ]

i'm a new livejournal member, so this is my first post in a group.  i've been taking ultram for about 5 years on & off.  can't seem to stay sober for more than a month.  i've been on all kinds of pills for all kinds of real & imaginary reasons.  tramadol/ultram is supposed to be a synthetic opiate with no risk of addiction...which is how i got started with it...not addictive? that's bullshit! docs just prescribe it because it gets them around the trouble of giving out real narcotics like candy. after 2 weeks clean i can start all over taking two 50mg pills a day & within 5 or 6 days my tolerance has built up to 10 -12, i usually max out at around 18 - 20 pills a day before i run out & then the withdrawal is absolute hell!  turns out after some research this shit has it all...even a little antidepressant thrown into the mix (which bottoms out my seratonin completely when i go off it)...withdrawal is 5-7 days of physical agony-sweats/chills/migraines/twitching/nausea/sneezing/etc & then the mental/emotional stuff keeps hitting you for weeks...i've never gone off it long enough to get back to "normal".  i'm on a short run right now.  just been using for about 5 days after a little over 2 weeks clean (from a couple months of abuse).  NOBODY knows i'm doing this so often.  my boyfriend knows i took some over the weekend because i faked a relapse from an old medical problem & he got me a few pills from his grandfather (very unwillingly)...truthfully i was just craving intensely from being stressed about graduation from college & soon being thrown back into the "real world"...i'm 33 freaking years old, i should be doing a lot better at this point.  i've been on pills since i was 14, my dad was an addict (he had hemophilia so it was understandable) & i used to watch him count his candy colored pills every day...when he died i took all of his drugs & haven't stopped since.  i've talked to other tram addicts online & from what i've experienced it's been a lot of judgement since i don't have a serious chronic condition that makes me use...i got classified as "addicted" rather than "dependant" & got ignored mostly.  my relapse record didn't make me very popular either, they wanted happy positive stories...not the truth. 

i'm running out of pills.  i don't know if i will start to withdrawal after just a week, but if i do it's really going to suck.  since i graduated i lost both doctors that prescribe to me & my only option now is getting the drugs online...but i know another long run is going to break me in the end.  i know i have to clean up, but don't even know where to start.  i feel like i'm still a teenager in all but age...i don't know how to function as a real adult.  pretty sad because i have a 10 year old daughter to take care of on top of everything else.  she just thinks i'm a really cool mom, but when i heard her say "what did you just put in your mouth?" after seeing me pop a pill a couple days ago it really hit me that she could be me in a few years.  i don't know where i'm going from here, just wonder if anyone else has had any experience with the "devil's tic-tacs"...

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